i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
