Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i will never coherently bang her
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
