While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
