Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
