he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
