come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
