So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need to align my fucking chakras
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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