my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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