My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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