I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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