Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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