dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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