i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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