My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
