my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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