I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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