Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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