so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
