i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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