Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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