my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
