I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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