4 words: hood of his car
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
