I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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