We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize