she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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