Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
