i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
