if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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