It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
