My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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