I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
