Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
