saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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