Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
