nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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