Someone shit on the floor
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
