I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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