I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just want nice things and good sex
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize