i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
