are you so shy because you have an std?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
