I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
