There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
