He disabled his match.com account in front of me
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
