I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We are two peas in an std pod
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
