Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
