You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
