I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
