I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize