omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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