He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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