I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
