My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
