2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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