Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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