is wine microwaveable?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You have to summon your inner elephant
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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