I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
