I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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