Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
