No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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