My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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