forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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