i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
