I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
