We named our party play list daddy issues
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
