This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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